the life you want is worth waiting for…

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You ready for a random post that will probably tell you more about me than I’d normally be willing to share?

Life has taught me a great deal lately. And I can’t say I wanted to learn all of it, seeing that most of the learning wasn’t about life in general, but about myself. 

Sometimes, I get lost in the realization that we don’t know ourselves as well as we probably should. I mean it, when was the last time you stopped and allowed yourself to get to know yourself. Sounds strange (and silly) right? Like:

“Hi self, your name is Kylie, which you obviously already knew. And you are currently presenting as crazy as you sit here and talk to yourself, about yourself, because you don’t really know yourself…”

Take a minute and think, if your insides could talk, what would they want you to know? Who would do most of the talking? Your head? Your heart? Your muscles? Or maybe your bones. Would they tell you to slow down, to hurry up, to relax, to reflect, to learn, or maybe they would just tell you to enjoy the moment.

I bet we could have a great conversation with ourselves if we really wanted to.

That being said, let me explain how this crazy thought came to light.

The biggest thing I’ve come to realize since my move to Seattle is that when you claim you’re going to “Start over” you should be ready for exactly that. 

Here’s the best way I can explain it: Starting over is a lot like a chalkboard. 

Confused yet? Be patient, and take the example of a chalkboard. You’re standing there wanting to create a new design, so you erase the chalk that was there. But let’s be honest, there’s always some chalk particles left (even cleaning the chalkboard with water leaves weird streak marks behind). So, when you go to draw your new design, it’s like the old chalk marks are the base for your new design right?

So, you have your childhood, previous jobs and relationships, all of which have helped you develop into who you are today. Right? Right. Well, starting over, you leave all that behind in hopes of making new memories. In my case, I started over because I wasn’t satisfied, something was missing. I thought I’d be able to take everything I’ve learned in life, and easily apply it to the life I’m trying to build. Boy was I wrong about that being easy.

Once I moved here I had to relearn everything about myself. I mean it, and it was hard. It was kinda like looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person who was standing there. And I’m being 100% honest about this. According to a close friend who visited recently, I look different, present myself different, I walk different, I’m happy, capable, and wanting to do things differently than I used to. Being told these things was strange. And taking a step back, I can’t disagree.

After thinking about her observation, I personally realized the following:

  • I don’t write nearly as often as I used to.
  • I don’t have the urge to out a giant canvas and throw my emotions at it.
  • I don’t go out as often as I used to.
  • I get bored easily.
  • I’m not as hungry as I used to think I was (eating emotions sound familiar to anyone?)
  • I understand the difference between what I feel I need and what I actually need to survive.
  • I don’t need half the clothes I actually own.
  • I actually enjoy (and miss) working.
  • I flourish when around positive people.

To me, my list seems long and scary. Realizing these activities were more “coping skills” than fun activities, made me really reflect on life previous to my move. Now, I’m not saying that my life was bad, it wasn’t, it was beautiful and busy, but it wasn’t what I wanted.

Since my move, I’ve been able to isolate myself in a strange way to really center myself. I was able to really think about what I wanted out of every aspect of life. I thought a lot about who I wanted to be, what would make me happiest. I thought about the things that really bother me, and not just small annoyances, but things that get under my skin and interrupt my day. I’ve realized that my creative side was a lot of me just expressing my discomfort with life. And that’s not a bad thing. I now have some amazing pieces of work to look back at and say, “I survived that day.” And I’m so proud of that! But it has left me feeling naked and exposed. Like all the comforts I used to cling to are no longer useful. And with that, I need to find and utilize new things.

Sometimes, I still look in the mirror and wonder who are you? But, now I do it positively. Because I know, that I’ve taken a giant step in the right direction. Despite setback and challenges I’ve faced, I’ve never second-guessed the decision to move.

I’m thriving more than I ever had. It’s a crazy mind-f*ck (sorry for the language), but it is. My life is a damn chalkboard. I have memories and lessons learned, the things I can’t fully forget or erase, and I don’t want to. They’re the base for this new life I’m building, and it’s a strange phenomenon.

So what if I don’t really know who I am right now? What I do know, is that I’m finally on my way to becoming who I’ve always wanted to be. My core is happy, my head and heart are no longer fighting. My bones and muscles feel alive again. So wherever this journey may take me, it was worth waiting for.

Okay, so this post was all over the place. I guess you could say it’s slightly a reflection of me feeling like I’m existing outside of my body. But I wanted to share with you and with myself, because rediscovering yourself isn’t a bad thing. It can be such a beautiful thing. You just have to be open and willing to feel uncomfortable and accept the difficulties.

All that craziness to say, never give up on that dream you’ve always had. Because that the life you want, is most definitely worth waiting (and fighting) for!

 

With love from one person to another,

Kylie

 

I’m out of shampoo!

oh, and almost out of toothpaste!

I guess I’ll call it a monumental moment. I’ve run out of my bonus sized shampoo, why is it a big deal you ask? Well, it’s just another sign that I really live here. Kinda awesome how the little things can make us smile.

it's so beautiful! and huge!

it’s so beautiful! and huge!

Going back to the first week I was here, I’d run out of most of my travel sized items and realized I needed to go shopping. Step one of the reality that I now live here. It was great (and frustrating) trying to think of the necessary items I needed to purchase.

Anyway, it’s been about a month and a half, and trust me when I tell you that reality is very much present.

And I don’t mean the following in a bad way, but I’m bored.

Not in the sense that I don’t like it here, cause I’m in LOVE out here. But, let’s be honest, I went from a very stressful full-time job with too many hours of overtime to no job. Sure, the vacation period of catching my breath was great, but I’m ready to be busy again.

The job search is there. There have been many applications, and a couple offers, but I’m still trying to figure it out. I don’t just want a job, I want one that I’ll appreciate, one that won’t leave me completely drained at the end of the day. I’m not saying stress-free. I mean, promise me a challenge, please. But one worth investing my time and emotions into.

I picked a stressful field, one that doesn’t sit in the well-paid category. But it is in the let me try to make a difference category, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Nor sure why I’m sharing this, maybe because I have some amazing people in my life who believe in me, believe I can.

To those who know the details about my interviews, know they went well, but they weren’t the right fit. So, I’ll keep truckin’. Keep searching, applying and practicing until the right things comes along.

Believe me when I say, life is amazing, it’s worth the struggles we face.

I miss home, but I still feel so blessed to be out here. Because it’s out here I feel I can do what I long to do best, and that is to Live.

That’s all, it’s short and simple. So until next time my friends,
Take time to celebrate living in this challenging but beautiful world!

-k

love this.

love this.

all within 1 month!

Hello world! 

It’s been a while since I’ve updated, but with good reason, I promise!

So, we know I’ve relocated to Seattle to follow dreams, reach goals, and happiness. But what I didn’t expect was to reach many of those goals within the first month of being here.

Today marks the one month date exactly since I moved. And I wanna share with all of you what I’ve done.

  • snuggled with puppies

    buddy love

    buddy love

  • went to Chucks hop shop – so many beers! and Jess’ first time playingJenga

    don't mess up!

    don’t mess up!

  • went to Salmon La Sac on a short river float (due to weather) & camping with awesome new friends
    salmon la sac

    salmon la sac

    let's go! I'm ready!

    let’s go! I’m ready!

  • realized Seattle has “Little Free Library” which is nothing more than cute bird-house like boxes that you can give and take books from for free

    so cute!

    so cute!

  • Had a girls night at the house & FINALLY played Cards Against Humanity!

    this was for my sister

    this was for my sister

  • Bought a really nice rain coat (it needs to last)
  • Bought hiking boots!

    oh yeah!

    oh yeah!

  • Got my WA driver’s license
  • Went to Mt. Baker and hiked an8mile hike!
    almost there!

    almost there!

    IMG_7288

    so green 

  • Saw my first glacier!
it's so close!

it’s so close!

  • revisited Rock Box (great karaoke place)
  • went roller skating

    old school!

    old school!

  • Volunteered with the Human Rights Campaign & got to go to the Seattle Gala

    so awesome

    so awesome

  • went to many of the great local food places

    ice cream cupcake

    ice cream cupcake

  • Realized grocery shopping is almost an all day affair to buy local and healthy that is!

    so many options!

    so many options!

  • figured out the bus system
  • made espresso from home

    delicious

    delicious

  • found Sebastian (from the Little Mermaid) on the beach (personal fav)
  • Had a great girls night out filled with multiple wine tastings, dancing, a party bus and more dancing!

    flamingo & monkey = bff

    flamingo & monkey = bff

  • visited the Fremont Troll

    it's a big deal out here

    it’s a big deal out here

  • Completed lots of job applications (including one for my dream job)
  • BOUGHT A NEW CAR  (had to wait to pick it up)
    it's a BIG deal

    it’s a BIG deal

    it's blue!

    it’s blue!

  • was given the opportunity to volunteer with GLSEN
  • and today, got to pick up my new car and drive around on my own!

Now, sure, there are lots of things that I completed. But let’s stop and reflect for a moment, shall we?

Part of why I moved out here was to spend less time wasting time and more time volunteering and trying to better the lives of others simply because I can. Within one week I was able to volunteer with two organizations that I feel personally connected to.

The Human Rights campaign was an amazing experience. I got lucky, not having a job allowed me to help often and the entire day of the actually Gala. Tru Blood’s Joe Manganiello was there with his partner Sofia Vergara. So many beautiful people were there, participating as part of the movement to better the world; it was amazing to stand by and watch.

For those of you who don’t know about HRC, their mission statement is the following:

“The Human Rights Campaign is America’s largest civil rights organization working to achieve lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality. By inspiring and engaging all Americans, HRC strives to end discrimination against LGBT citizens and realize a nation that achieves fundamental fairness and equality for all.” ( http://www.hrc.org )

IMG_7524

GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network) is an organization I’ll be able to volunteer at weekly!  Their mission statement is:

“At GLSEN, we want every student, in every school, to be valued and treated with respect, regardless of their sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression. We believe that all students deserve a safe and affirming school environment where they can learn and grow. We accomplish our goals by working in hallways across the country — from Congress and the Department of Education to schools and district offices in your community — to improve school climate and champion LGBT issues in K-12 education.” ( http://glsen.org )

How awesome is that? Count me in!

 

Now, on top of the volunteer work, which has been incredible. I’ve realized how far my BA in Psychology can go. I’ve looked more deeply into ways I can further my education, deepen my impact on this world, and challenge myself.

And further, I was able to buy myself a new car (never had one of those before).

she's so pretty!

she’s so pretty!

SUCH AMAZING BLESSINGS! 


The reality of limitations will surface itself I’m sure. But for now, I’m going to take what I have and use it to benefit the lives of others and myself.

I'm so happy!

I’m so happy!

One month in and I’ve already accomplished this much! Just goes to show we are capable human beings. We are able to do ALL things as long as we push ourselves to do so. We have to believe in ourselves and in others if we are going to get the most out of this life!

I thank everyone for being patient with me as I put my life together, for supporting me though all of it, and for believing in me. It means more than you’ll ever know!

 

And remember:

it's true.

it’s true.

It’s like a fresh start!

And one week later, life is still plentiful! 

photo 2-5

Moving was one of the hardest and easiest things I’ve ever done. It took courage, strength, a GREAT deal of determination and drive. But it also took lots of love and lots of support from those in my life. Anyone can share their hopes and dreams, claim to want to reach their goals, and sure, along the way people will say, “do it!” But how often do we reply with a simple “okay!”? I’d have to say, not often enough!

free stuff rocks!

free stuff rocks!

 

 

I’ve found some free furniture, finally unpacked, getting used the time change… I’m still trying to come up with a routine. Still trying to figure out what I want to do. Still learning about the real world in its beauty and chaos. But just like our comfortable lives, we gotta start somewhere! I’ve learned that reaching out to strangers to build my own community has been what i’ve gained the most strength from.

 

puppy love while getting work done

puppy love while getting work done

Whether it’s talking to car dealerships, people at stores, banks, or community/groups i’ve reached out to – it’s given me a sense of power and control that’s hard to explain. Sure, not everyone is willing to drop all and help, but there are definitely people out there willing to at least listen and go from there.

Tonight (after spending a great chunk of the day online planning), i’m heading into the city via bus to meet up with some people I don’t know to help prepare for the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) Seattle GALA. Although I know I can’t afford to actually go to the GALA, I can help set up for it! So I reached out and now am going to be a part of this great event!

I think when it comes to moving, the one thing that it gives us is a fresh start. A reality check. The opportunity to reset ourselves and reach for what matters most. When I was attending college in Pennsylvania, I was part of a beautiful community that did a lot of outreach and dealt with the power of change. When I moved back home to Mass, I lost a lot of that. Now that i’m somewhere new, I get to start over. I get to make my own schedule while I am able.

So for me, it’s starting with this HRC GALA. I’ll continue to keep people posted about my move. sorry this entry is a little less informative and moving than usual, but I’m on a time crunch.

I’ll write again soon! Wish me luck!

absolute beauty

lovely isn’t it!

Your heart beats for a reason – so listen to it!

Have you ever woken up extremely unhappy?
Felt like your life was going anywhere but in the direction you once believed it would?
Have you ever put something off until tomorrow, that you could have done today?

I have. I did.

And then, I decided enough was enough.

Here’s a personal journal entry that lead to me changing my life completely.

 

“June 6, 2014

What am I doing?

What am I holding onto?

What is keeping me back?

 

Me. Myself. And I.

 

We live in a world based on rational decisions. Realistic assumptions. Dwindled down drewms. We try to make sense of everything that cannot be explained. 

     But why?

Is life so simple, that I could point my finger at fear? Claim it won’t work. Dwell on every reason behind why not and erase the reasons saying go. Do we need to lose everything in one place in order to move onto the next.

Do we lose ourselves in the process?

How have I gone this long without reaching any of my major goals? Laziness. Lack of drive? Have I settled. That’s how I feel in my unsettled life.

My insides are screaming GO! With a force I’ve never felt before. Is it because I have nothing holding me back? Or because I have nothing I want here?

Reality’s rational life can suck it! We, daily base our choices off of what will benefit us in the long run… but what we really mean is we base our choices off of what will keep us near the American Dream of money and materialistic possessions,. But what we should really be doing is living. Point blank. 

Where’s the excitement? The thrill of new things? I’m 27 – not dead! I’m a body filled with dreams, hopes, goals… unobtainable moments. But shouldn’t I reach for them anyway? Shouldn’t I learn the hard way, from experience, that somethings may not work out? Instead of relying on that book, or blog, news report, study, famous person, or story we heard about a friend of a friend who tried and failed? Shouldn’t we fail on our own so we have more knowledge? Or at least try and succeed – Show the world all that is possible instead of making the very idea of a happy life seem impossible? 

Daily – I see, read and live a success story. I preach to everyone to reach anyway. To soar with clipped wings. To lead and not look back, all the while my feet root deeper and deeper into uncomfortable soil. Soil that only weighs me down and separates me from all I used to thrive for. 

God Kylie. Listen to yourself. YOURSELF. Not the world. Not rational thoughts. Not fear. Yourself. You. Your insides. Your heart and soul. 

Stop painting beautiful trees and landscapes and go find them! Stop dismissing your art, poetry, and stories for futuristic ideas. They are your unconscious screaming at you! Telling you that enough is enough.

 

The question is…

          What are you gonna do about it?

 

The time is here. It’s now. Do it. DO IT – before you really can’t.”

 

It was a few days later, I made up my mind to follow a dream I’d had for 8 years; to move from Boston to Seattle. 

Right now, I’m sitting on the couch in my new home in Seattle. Already, I feel at peace with myself, with all my previous choices, and with all the choices I have yet to make. I welcome this new struggle of a fresh start with open arms and a strong soul. I will post again when things settle more.

I made it!

My “I made it!” to Seattle pic!

 

But I wanted to open up, share with others, that it is never too late to follow your dreams. It’s okay to completely uproot everything you’ve known for the life you’ve always wanted. I can’t say it was easy, I left many friends and family to peruse my dreams. But the love and support from those I love most helped me make that choice (and I thank them from the bottom of my heart). Just as I hope they find their own happiness, they hope I find mine – so I did.

So go, do something for yourself today. Don’t fear it, just let it happen. If it doesn’t work out, at least you tried! 

Life is one grand adventure!

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” Jeremiah 29:11