You ready for a random post that will probably tell you more about me than I’d normally be willing to share?
Life has taught me a great deal lately. And I can’t say I wanted to learn all of it, seeing that most of the learning wasn’t about life in general, but about myself.
Sometimes, I get lost in the realization that we don’t know ourselves as well as we probably should. I mean it, when was the last time you stopped and allowed yourself to get to know yourself. Sounds strange (and silly) right? Like:
“Hi self, your name is Kylie, which you obviously already knew. And you are currently presenting as crazy as you sit here and talk to yourself, about yourself, because you don’t really know yourself…”
Take a minute and think, if your insides could talk, what would they want you to know? Who would do most of the talking? Your head? Your heart? Your muscles? Or maybe your bones. Would they tell you to slow down, to hurry up, to relax, to reflect, to learn, or maybe they would just tell you to enjoy the moment.
I bet we could have a great conversation with ourselves if we really wanted to.
That being said, let me explain how this crazy thought came to light.
The biggest thing I’ve come to realize since my move to Seattle is that when you claim you’re going to “Start over” you should be ready for exactly that.
Here’s the best way I can explain it: Starting over is a lot like a chalkboard.
Confused yet? Be patient, and take the example of a chalkboard. You’re standing there wanting to create a new design, so you erase the chalk that was there. But let’s be honest, there’s always some chalk particles left (even cleaning the chalkboard with water leaves weird streak marks behind). So, when you go to draw your new design, it’s like the old chalk marks are the base for your new design right?
So, you have your childhood, previous jobs and relationships, all of which have helped you develop into who you are today. Right? Right. Well, starting over, you leave all that behind in hopes of making new memories. In my case, I started over because I wasn’t satisfied, something was missing. I thought I’d be able to take everything I’ve learned in life, and easily apply it to the life I’m trying to build. Boy was I wrong about that being easy.
Once I moved here I had to relearn everything about myself. I mean it, and it was hard. It was kinda like looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person who was standing there. And I’m being 100% honest about this. According to a close friend who visited recently, I look different, present myself different, I walk different, I’m happy, capable, and wanting to do things differently than I used to. Being told these things was strange. And taking a step back, I can’t disagree.
After thinking about her observation, I personally realized the following:
- I don’t write nearly as often as I used to.
- I don’t have the urge to out a giant canvas and throw my emotions at it.
- I don’t go out as often as I used to.
- I get bored easily.
- I’m not as hungry as I used to think I was (eating emotions sound familiar to anyone?)
- I understand the difference between what I feel I need and what I actually need to survive.
- I don’t need half the clothes I actually own.
- I actually enjoy (and miss) working.
- I flourish when around positive people.
To me, my list seems long and scary. Realizing these activities were more “coping skills” than fun activities, made me really reflect on life previous to my move. Now, I’m not saying that my life was bad, it wasn’t, it was beautiful and busy, but it wasn’t what I wanted.
Since my move, I’ve been able to isolate myself in a strange way to really center myself. I was able to really think about what I wanted out of every aspect of life. I thought a lot about who I wanted to be, what would make me happiest. I thought about the things that really bother me, and not just small annoyances, but things that get under my skin and interrupt my day. I’ve realized that my creative side was a lot of me just expressing my discomfort with life. And that’s not a bad thing. I now have some amazing pieces of work to look back at and say, “I survived that day.” And I’m so proud of that! But it has left me feeling naked and exposed. Like all the comforts I used to cling to are no longer useful. And with that, I need to find and utilize new things.
Sometimes, I still look in the mirror and wonder who are you? But, now I do it positively. Because I know, that I’ve taken a giant step in the right direction. Despite setback and challenges I’ve faced, I’ve never second-guessed the decision to move.
I’m thriving more than I ever had. It’s a crazy mind-f*ck (sorry for the language), but it is. My life is a damn chalkboard. I have memories and lessons learned, the things I can’t fully forget or erase, and I don’t want to. They’re the base for this new life I’m building, and it’s a strange phenomenon.
So what if I don’t really know who I am right now? What I do know, is that I’m finally on my way to becoming who I’ve always wanted to be. My core is happy, my head and heart are no longer fighting. My bones and muscles feel alive again. So wherever this journey may take me, it was worth waiting for.
Okay, so this post was all over the place. I guess you could say it’s slightly a reflection of me feeling like I’m existing outside of my body. But I wanted to share with you and with myself, because rediscovering yourself isn’t a bad thing. It can be such a beautiful thing. You just have to be open and willing to feel uncomfortable and accept the difficulties.
All that craziness to say, never give up on that dream you’ve always had. Because that the life you want, is most definitely worth waiting (and fighting) for!
With love from one person to another,