the life you want is worth waiting for…

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You ready for a random post that will probably tell you more about me than I’d normally be willing to share?

Life has taught me a great deal lately. And I can’t say I wanted to learn all of it, seeing that most of the learning wasn’t about life in general, but about myself. 

Sometimes, I get lost in the realization that we don’t know ourselves as well as we probably should. I mean it, when was the last time you stopped and allowed yourself to get to know yourself. Sounds strange (and silly) right? Like:

“Hi self, your name is Kylie, which you obviously already knew. And you are currently presenting as crazy as you sit here and talk to yourself, about yourself, because you don’t really know yourself…”

Take a minute and think, if your insides could talk, what would they want you to know? Who would do most of the talking? Your head? Your heart? Your muscles? Or maybe your bones. Would they tell you to slow down, to hurry up, to relax, to reflect, to learn, or maybe they would just tell you to enjoy the moment.

I bet we could have a great conversation with ourselves if we really wanted to.

That being said, let me explain how this crazy thought came to light.

The biggest thing I’ve come to realize since my move to Seattle is that when you claim you’re going to “Start over” you should be ready for exactly that. 

Here’s the best way I can explain it: Starting over is a lot like a chalkboard. 

Confused yet? Be patient, and take the example of a chalkboard. You’re standing there wanting to create a new design, so you erase the chalk that was there. But let’s be honest, there’s always some chalk particles left (even cleaning the chalkboard with water leaves weird streak marks behind). So, when you go to draw your new design, it’s like the old chalk marks are the base for your new design right?

So, you have your childhood, previous jobs and relationships, all of which have helped you develop into who you are today. Right? Right. Well, starting over, you leave all that behind in hopes of making new memories. In my case, I started over because I wasn’t satisfied, something was missing. I thought I’d be able to take everything I’ve learned in life, and easily apply it to the life I’m trying to build. Boy was I wrong about that being easy.

Once I moved here I had to relearn everything about myself. I mean it, and it was hard. It was kinda like looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person who was standing there. And I’m being 100% honest about this. According to a close friend who visited recently, I look different, present myself different, I walk different, I’m happy, capable, and wanting to do things differently than I used to. Being told these things was strange. And taking a step back, I can’t disagree.

After thinking about her observation, I personally realized the following:

  • I don’t write nearly as often as I used to.
  • I don’t have the urge to out a giant canvas and throw my emotions at it.
  • I don’t go out as often as I used to.
  • I get bored easily.
  • I’m not as hungry as I used to think I was (eating emotions sound familiar to anyone?)
  • I understand the difference between what I feel I need and what I actually need to survive.
  • I don’t need half the clothes I actually own.
  • I actually enjoy (and miss) working.
  • I flourish when around positive people.

To me, my list seems long and scary. Realizing these activities were more “coping skills” than fun activities, made me really reflect on life previous to my move. Now, I’m not saying that my life was bad, it wasn’t, it was beautiful and busy, but it wasn’t what I wanted.

Since my move, I’ve been able to isolate myself in a strange way to really center myself. I was able to really think about what I wanted out of every aspect of life. I thought a lot about who I wanted to be, what would make me happiest. I thought about the things that really bother me, and not just small annoyances, but things that get under my skin and interrupt my day. I’ve realized that my creative side was a lot of me just expressing my discomfort with life. And that’s not a bad thing. I now have some amazing pieces of work to look back at and say, “I survived that day.” And I’m so proud of that! But it has left me feeling naked and exposed. Like all the comforts I used to cling to are no longer useful. And with that, I need to find and utilize new things.

Sometimes, I still look in the mirror and wonder who are you? But, now I do it positively. Because I know, that I’ve taken a giant step in the right direction. Despite setback and challenges I’ve faced, I’ve never second-guessed the decision to move.

I’m thriving more than I ever had. It’s a crazy mind-f*ck (sorry for the language), but it is. My life is a damn chalkboard. I have memories and lessons learned, the things I can’t fully forget or erase, and I don’t want to. They’re the base for this new life I’m building, and it’s a strange phenomenon.

So what if I don’t really know who I am right now? What I do know, is that I’m finally on my way to becoming who I’ve always wanted to be. My core is happy, my head and heart are no longer fighting. My bones and muscles feel alive again. So wherever this journey may take me, it was worth waiting for.

Okay, so this post was all over the place. I guess you could say it’s slightly a reflection of me feeling like I’m existing outside of my body. But I wanted to share with you and with myself, because rediscovering yourself isn’t a bad thing. It can be such a beautiful thing. You just have to be open and willing to feel uncomfortable and accept the difficulties.

All that craziness to say, never give up on that dream you’ve always had. Because that the life you want, is most definitely worth waiting (and fighting) for!

 

With love from one person to another,

Kylie

 

I’m out of shampoo!

oh, and almost out of toothpaste!

I guess I’ll call it a monumental moment. I’ve run out of my bonus sized shampoo, why is it a big deal you ask? Well, it’s just another sign that I really live here. Kinda awesome how the little things can make us smile.

it's so beautiful! and huge!

it’s so beautiful! and huge!

Going back to the first week I was here, I’d run out of most of my travel sized items and realized I needed to go shopping. Step one of the reality that I now live here. It was great (and frustrating) trying to think of the necessary items I needed to purchase.

Anyway, it’s been about a month and a half, and trust me when I tell you that reality is very much present.

And I don’t mean the following in a bad way, but I’m bored.

Not in the sense that I don’t like it here, cause I’m in LOVE out here. But, let’s be honest, I went from a very stressful full-time job with too many hours of overtime to no job. Sure, the vacation period of catching my breath was great, but I’m ready to be busy again.

The job search is there. There have been many applications, and a couple offers, but I’m still trying to figure it out. I don’t just want a job, I want one that I’ll appreciate, one that won’t leave me completely drained at the end of the day. I’m not saying stress-free. I mean, promise me a challenge, please. But one worth investing my time and emotions into.

I picked a stressful field, one that doesn’t sit in the well-paid category. But it is in the let me try to make a difference category, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Nor sure why I’m sharing this, maybe because I have some amazing people in my life who believe in me, believe I can.

To those who know the details about my interviews, know they went well, but they weren’t the right fit. So, I’ll keep truckin’. Keep searching, applying and practicing until the right things comes along.

Believe me when I say, life is amazing, it’s worth the struggles we face.

I miss home, but I still feel so blessed to be out here. Because it’s out here I feel I can do what I long to do best, and that is to Live.

That’s all, it’s short and simple. So until next time my friends,
Take time to celebrate living in this challenging but beautiful world!

-k

love this.

love this.

Your heart beats for a reason – so listen to it!

Have you ever woken up extremely unhappy?
Felt like your life was going anywhere but in the direction you once believed it would?
Have you ever put something off until tomorrow, that you could have done today?

I have. I did.

And then, I decided enough was enough.

Here’s a personal journal entry that lead to me changing my life completely.

 

“June 6, 2014

What am I doing?

What am I holding onto?

What is keeping me back?

 

Me. Myself. And I.

 

We live in a world based on rational decisions. Realistic assumptions. Dwindled down drewms. We try to make sense of everything that cannot be explained. 

     But why?

Is life so simple, that I could point my finger at fear? Claim it won’t work. Dwell on every reason behind why not and erase the reasons saying go. Do we need to lose everything in one place in order to move onto the next.

Do we lose ourselves in the process?

How have I gone this long without reaching any of my major goals? Laziness. Lack of drive? Have I settled. That’s how I feel in my unsettled life.

My insides are screaming GO! With a force I’ve never felt before. Is it because I have nothing holding me back? Or because I have nothing I want here?

Reality’s rational life can suck it! We, daily base our choices off of what will benefit us in the long run… but what we really mean is we base our choices off of what will keep us near the American Dream of money and materialistic possessions,. But what we should really be doing is living. Point blank. 

Where’s the excitement? The thrill of new things? I’m 27 – not dead! I’m a body filled with dreams, hopes, goals… unobtainable moments. But shouldn’t I reach for them anyway? Shouldn’t I learn the hard way, from experience, that somethings may not work out? Instead of relying on that book, or blog, news report, study, famous person, or story we heard about a friend of a friend who tried and failed? Shouldn’t we fail on our own so we have more knowledge? Or at least try and succeed – Show the world all that is possible instead of making the very idea of a happy life seem impossible? 

Daily – I see, read and live a success story. I preach to everyone to reach anyway. To soar with clipped wings. To lead and not look back, all the while my feet root deeper and deeper into uncomfortable soil. Soil that only weighs me down and separates me from all I used to thrive for. 

God Kylie. Listen to yourself. YOURSELF. Not the world. Not rational thoughts. Not fear. Yourself. You. Your insides. Your heart and soul. 

Stop painting beautiful trees and landscapes and go find them! Stop dismissing your art, poetry, and stories for futuristic ideas. They are your unconscious screaming at you! Telling you that enough is enough.

 

The question is…

          What are you gonna do about it?

 

The time is here. It’s now. Do it. DO IT – before you really can’t.”

 

It was a few days later, I made up my mind to follow a dream I’d had for 8 years; to move from Boston to Seattle. 

Right now, I’m sitting on the couch in my new home in Seattle. Already, I feel at peace with myself, with all my previous choices, and with all the choices I have yet to make. I welcome this new struggle of a fresh start with open arms and a strong soul. I will post again when things settle more.

I made it!

My “I made it!” to Seattle pic!

 

But I wanted to open up, share with others, that it is never too late to follow your dreams. It’s okay to completely uproot everything you’ve known for the life you’ve always wanted. I can’t say it was easy, I left many friends and family to peruse my dreams. But the love and support from those I love most helped me make that choice (and I thank them from the bottom of my heart). Just as I hope they find their own happiness, they hope I find mine – so I did.

So go, do something for yourself today. Don’t fear it, just let it happen. If it doesn’t work out, at least you tried! 

Life is one grand adventure!

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” Jeremiah 29:11

“With every broken bone, I swear I lived.”

Debating on what to write, I felt the sudden urge to write about the simple act of living. 

We’ve all had those moments when wake up feeling completely alive – ready to take on the day! But then there’s the days when we don’t know how to express ourselves, when we’re unsure of how we’re feeling. Sometimes, the weight of the world is just too much and staying in bed to avoid the world feels like the best option. I don’t know about you, but sometimes, it’s then I find myself trying to push those dark thoughts/feeling away and I force myself to accept the day for what it is – Another chance.

Often times I think we forget that every day is an opportunity, a chance, a miracle. We all have a clock ticking over our heads – and no clue how much time is actually left. So, why do so many of us live as if we’ll live forever?

The song “I Lived” by OneRepublic is just that, a reminder that we should be living each and every day (every second) to its fullest, grateful for whatever it gives us.

Listen to their song (this is a lyric video someone made to it)

Now take a moment and think about the lyrics…

“Hope when you take that jump, you don’t fear the fall”:

Take the jump, just do it. If you don’t, if you keep your feet on the ground, think about all you could miss out on. There’s a reason behind why you want to, if there wasn’t, you wouldn’t even think about it. If you fear the outcome, that’s okay… that’s normal.

“Hope when the water rises, you build a wall”:

The water will rise, it’s a part of life. So when it does, build that wall. Maybe it’ll tower high over the water, keeping you safe! Maybe it’ll be just tall enough to keep the water at bay, giving you some ease from any anxiety you may feel. Maybe it wasn’t tall enough, maybe the water spilled over anyway – Don’t worry, it’s giving you time to figure it out. Or maybe, just maybe, the water came too quickly and you barely got your wall started before it hit you. Don’t stress, we’ve all been there! We’ve faced that struggle when the water was just too fast, the wall wasn’t strong or tall enough. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that in time (sometimes a long time), a life boat will come by – sometimes it will be accompanied with family or a friend. But it’s when it comes by that we should reach out, take the help that’s offered (even if we don’t want to), because it’s then we’re reminded that we’re still here!

Give yourself a break, remember that no matter how your wall turned out, the important thing is that you tried. Maybe you stayed safe, or maybe you had to tread water for a while… either way, you did it!

“Hope when the crowd screams out, they’re screaming your name”:

Sometimes, that crowd is loud and clear, screaming support. Other times that crowd seems silent and still. No matter who you are, know you have a crowd, even if you firmly believe you don’t, you do. Someone is rooting for you, cheering you on – really. You just have to be willing to accept it and hear it, even if it’s hard. 

“Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay”:

Stand brave. This can get tricky. Sometimes, there will be people behind you. And in the moment when you can’t see them, when you feel you’re the only one standing firm while everyone else runs, wanna know where those people are? They’re directly behind you, out of sight, they’re helping you stand tall. Other times, you will be the only one standing. You will be alone. But that’s when your voice is loudest. If everyone else running, they may bump into you… but some will also see you, recognize how grounded you are, and at times, it will change their minds. Sometimes, it only takes one. 

“Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad”:

Oh gosh. Love. It can be so beautiful, but it can also be so painful. Whether it’s the love of another being, the love of a pet, or something else. Love is powerful. Love and it’s complicated-ness should be experienced by all. When you fear it – jump anyway. After all, it’s called “falling in love” for a reason right? It’s a time of learning and growth for everyone, so work at it. Find that person or thing that pushes your buttons but makes you smile at the same time… if it ends in heartache, don’t give up. It may only be the beginning for you!

“And I hope that you don’t suffer, but take the pain”:

It’s mind over matter. After all,you may not be able to control every situation and its outcome, but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it.

“I wish that I could witness, all your joy and all your pain”:

This is our opportunity to let others know we care, even from a distance. Let them know that you’re there for all of it. We are each others witness’ for all the crazy parts of life. All the joy, pain, chaos and clutter. We may face things separately but we’re all in it together. 

“And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup”:

There’s my favorite part of the entire song. People – Celebrate. Really! Stop reading this (well, not really lol), but stop busying yourself with more and think about your day, your week. What did you do today? Did you work? Exercise? Read or write? Did you work on a DIY project? Did you cook or clean? Or maybe some homework? Maybe you saved a life today, or overcame a struggle. The simple act of opening your eyes is an accomplishment to celebrate! You did it – YOU survived another day. Be proud, spread that strength. Individually, we make up this world. Don’t let people’s accomplishments (large or small) go unnoticed.

Me, You, They, We = light. We are our own ray of sunshine. We are each a color from the color wheel, painting this giant canvas called life. With every choice we make, we cover this world with beauty.

Now, the chorus:

“When the moment comes
You’ll say… [I’ll say…]

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived”:

Live. Just live. Life is cruel but honest. It continues on, constantly changing because that’s what we do. We are given endless opportunities. The real question is, did we take them? There is a reason behind every choice we make, every place we visit, every broken bone.

Sometimes, the choices we make lead to heartache, pain and confusion. But in those moments we’re able to learn. We learn how to move on and heal, who to lean on, who we can trust. Those “broken bones” can heal, they will heal, if we let them. And sometimes, to our surprise, they grow back stronger than they were before.

Oh and did you catch on to the theme radiating throughout the song? Hope. Simply that.

Never forget, our stories will live on through the lives we’ve touched.

So do it all, get off your butt! Go outside and just breathe in the possibilities! 

Go on, I DARE you…

Believe in yourself and DARE to live!

From one stranger to another, I am so proud of you for being alive,

Kylie