I don’t need to write much, the song says it all. Listen closely.
I don’t need to write much, the song says it all. Listen closely.
You ready for a random post that will probably tell you more about me than I’d normally be willing to share?
Life has taught me a great deal lately. And I can’t say I wanted to learn all of it, seeing that most of the learning wasn’t about life in general, but about myself.
Sometimes, I get lost in the realization that we don’t know ourselves as well as we probably should. I mean it, when was the last time you stopped and allowed yourself to get to know yourself. Sounds strange (and silly) right? Like:
“Hi self, your name is Kylie, which you obviously already knew. And you are currently presenting as crazy as you sit here and talk to yourself, about yourself, because you don’t really know yourself…”
Take a minute and think, if your insides could talk, what would they want you to know? Who would do most of the talking? Your head? Your heart? Your muscles? Or maybe your bones. Would they tell you to slow down, to hurry up, to relax, to reflect, to learn, or maybe they would just tell you to enjoy the moment.
I bet we could have a great conversation with ourselves if we really wanted to.
That being said, let me explain how this crazy thought came to light.
The biggest thing I’ve come to realize since my move to Seattle is that when you claim you’re going to “Start over” you should be ready for exactly that.
Here’s the best way I can explain it: Starting over is a lot like a chalkboard.
Confused yet? Be patient, and take the example of a chalkboard. You’re standing there wanting to create a new design, so you erase the chalk that was there. But let’s be honest, there’s always some chalk particles left (even cleaning the chalkboard with water leaves weird streak marks behind). So, when you go to draw your new design, it’s like the old chalk marks are the base for your new design right?
So, you have your childhood, previous jobs and relationships, all of which have helped you develop into who you are today. Right? Right. Well, starting over, you leave all that behind in hopes of making new memories. In my case, I started over because I wasn’t satisfied, something was missing. I thought I’d be able to take everything I’ve learned in life, and easily apply it to the life I’m trying to build. Boy was I wrong about that being easy.
Once I moved here I had to relearn everything about myself. I mean it, and it was hard. It was kinda like looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person who was standing there. And I’m being 100% honest about this. According to a close friend who visited recently, I look different, present myself different, I walk different, I’m happy, capable, and wanting to do things differently than I used to. Being told these things was strange. And taking a step back, I can’t disagree.
After thinking about her observation, I personally realized the following:
To me, my list seems long and scary. Realizing these activities were more “coping skills” than fun activities, made me really reflect on life previous to my move. Now, I’m not saying that my life was bad, it wasn’t, it was beautiful and busy, but it wasn’t what I wanted.
Since my move, I’ve been able to isolate myself in a strange way to really center myself. I was able to really think about what I wanted out of every aspect of life. I thought a lot about who I wanted to be, what would make me happiest. I thought about the things that really bother me, and not just small annoyances, but things that get under my skin and interrupt my day. I’ve realized that my creative side was a lot of me just expressing my discomfort with life. And that’s not a bad thing. I now have some amazing pieces of work to look back at and say, “I survived that day.” And I’m so proud of that! But it has left me feeling naked and exposed. Like all the comforts I used to cling to are no longer useful. And with that, I need to find and utilize new things.
Sometimes, I still look in the mirror and wonder who are you? But, now I do it positively. Because I know, that I’ve taken a giant step in the right direction. Despite setback and challenges I’ve faced, I’ve never second-guessed the decision to move.
I’m thriving more than I ever had. It’s a crazy mind-f*ck (sorry for the language), but it is. My life is a damn chalkboard. I have memories and lessons learned, the things I can’t fully forget or erase, and I don’t want to. They’re the base for this new life I’m building, and it’s a strange phenomenon.
So what if I don’t really know who I am right now? What I do know, is that I’m finally on my way to becoming who I’ve always wanted to be. My core is happy, my head and heart are no longer fighting. My bones and muscles feel alive again. So wherever this journey may take me, it was worth waiting for.
Okay, so this post was all over the place. I guess you could say it’s slightly a reflection of me feeling like I’m existing outside of my body. But I wanted to share with you and with myself, because rediscovering yourself isn’t a bad thing. It can be such a beautiful thing. You just have to be open and willing to feel uncomfortable and accept the difficulties.
All that craziness to say, never give up on that dream you’ve always had. Because that the life you want, is most definitely worth waiting (and fighting) for!
With love from one person to another,
Have you ever woken up extremely unhappy?
Felt like your life was going anywhere but in the direction you once believed it would?
Have you ever put something off until tomorrow, that you could have done today?
I have. I did.
And then, I decided enough was enough.
Here’s a personal journal entry that lead to me changing my life completely.
“June 6, 2014
What am I doing?
What am I holding onto?
What is keeping me back?
Me. Myself. And I.
We live in a world based on rational decisions. Realistic assumptions. Dwindled down drewms. We try to make sense of everything that cannot be explained.
Is life so simple, that I could point my finger at fear? Claim it won’t work. Dwell on every reason behind why not and erase the reasons saying go. Do we need to lose everything in one place in order to move onto the next.
Do we lose ourselves in the process?
How have I gone this long without reaching any of my major goals? Laziness. Lack of drive? Have I settled. That’s how I feel in my unsettled life.
My insides are screaming GO! With a force I’ve never felt before. Is it because I have nothing holding me back? Or because I have nothing I want here?
Reality’s rational life can suck it! We, daily base our choices off of what will benefit us in the long run… but what we really mean is we base our choices off of what will keep us near the American Dream of money and materialistic possessions,. But what we should really be doing is living. Point blank.
Where’s the excitement? The thrill of new things? I’m 27 – not dead! I’m a body filled with dreams, hopes, goals… unobtainable moments. But shouldn’t I reach for them anyway? Shouldn’t I learn the hard way, from experience, that somethings may not work out? Instead of relying on that book, or blog, news report, study, famous person, or story we heard about a friend of a friend who tried and failed? Shouldn’t we fail on our own so we have more knowledge? Or at least try and succeed – Show the world all that is possible instead of making the very idea of a happy life seem impossible?
Daily – I see, read and live a success story. I preach to everyone to reach anyway. To soar with clipped wings. To lead and not look back, all the while my feet root deeper and deeper into uncomfortable soil. Soil that only weighs me down and separates me from all I used to thrive for.
God Kylie. Listen to yourself. YOURSELF. Not the world. Not rational thoughts. Not fear. Yourself. You. Your insides. Your heart and soul.
Stop painting beautiful trees and landscapes and go find them! Stop dismissing your art, poetry, and stories for futuristic ideas. They are your unconscious screaming at you! Telling you that enough is enough.
The question is…
What are you gonna do about it?
The time is here. It’s now. Do it. DO IT – before you really can’t.”
It was a few days later, I made up my mind to follow a dream I’d had for 8 years; to move from Boston to Seattle.
Right now, I’m sitting on the couch in my new home in Seattle. Already, I feel at peace with myself, with all my previous choices, and with all the choices I have yet to make. I welcome this new struggle of a fresh start with open arms and a strong soul. I will post again when things settle more.
But I wanted to open up, share with others, that it is never too late to follow your dreams. It’s okay to completely uproot everything you’ve known for the life you’ve always wanted. I can’t say it was easy, I left many friends and family to peruse my dreams. But the love and support from those I love most helped me make that choice (and I thank them from the bottom of my heart). Just as I hope they find their own happiness, they hope I find mine – so I did.
So go, do something for yourself today. Don’t fear it, just let it happen. If it doesn’t work out, at least you tried!
Life is one grand adventure!
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” Jeremiah 29:11
“I wanna hold the whole wide world, right here in my open hands, maybe I’m just a little girl, a little girl with great big plans… I’m gonna live a crazy dream, impossible as it may seem, doesn’t matter what the future brings, I’m gonna live a crazy dream…”