Let it all out…

Recently I’ve found my weeks feeling overwhelming. Blame it on the weather? But bottom line is I’ve learned it’s up to myself to pull myself out of that “drowning” state.

Luckily, lately I’ve been able to go to my local coffee joint, grab a coffee and a table and let my thoughts spill out on my computer.

Relief usually finds me hours later as I’ve gotten all the chaos out of my mind through poetry and fictional characters. It’s then I feel (semi) ready for the upcoming week.

Bottom line, always allow yourself some down time. It’s more important that you realize.

So take a moment today and just let it all out. Trust me, you’ll thank yourself later.

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Ten Years Ago Today…

Ten years ago today I was sitting on a beach in San Diego, California with my cousin debating my existence. 

Ten years ago, I was struggling with my sexuality.  

I was lost and confused, trying to find some clarity; much of me believing I didn’t belong in this world. At the time, depression had boxed me in. I spent more time trying to navigate between right and wrong and how to exist without upsetting others than I did trying to let myself be me. 

Everyday was a battle against my demons: I had grown to believe that God hated me and therefore religion couldn’t possibly exist in my life. I believed my family was disappointed in me, and therefore I was unworthy of their love. And I felt my friends were unsure of me. All of which lead me to doubt myself and my choices. 

Unfortunately, despite the multitude of people in my life, I believed I was a disgrace to all of them. I knew I wanted to love, and couldn’t understand why that was so hard for people to understand. I spent most of my time apologizing for who I was, beating myself up for desiring someone of the same sex – I spent so much time doing it, I forgot how to live. 

2004, call it my personal blackout. I was so out of my mind depressed that I don’t remember much of that year. It’s painful to think about, to know that I felt that lost. 

Now, back to that sunny beach in San Diego. 

Call it fate, God remaining by my side, or just luck. Unsure of many details, I know that it had been some time since my mom and cousin had spoke, but in 2004 they did. The result of their conversation was me going to San Diego. 

Stereotypical lesbian moment, I listened to Tegan &Sara and T.A.T.U. on my CD player for the entire 6 hour flight. 

Stepping off the plane, I knew nothing of my cousins life for the last few years, and she knew nothing of mine. Two strangers, we greeted one another as if we had seen each other yesterday. (Now let me insert here, that growing up, her and I were inseparable. When I was a baby, she was the only one who could make me truly belly laugh. We had a special bond, and I felt comfort in knowing that). 

Anyway, she was busy with her life and I was confused and disoriented in mine. I spent everyday wondering the streets of San Diego and sitting on the beach. I remember eventually telling her about liking girls, I also remember waiting for her reaction to be judgement, only, it wasn’t. Instead, she looked at me and said “okay.” 

Looking back, I can only laugh at the expression that was probably on my face. I was so used to waiting for people to voice their opinion about how it’s “wrong” that her simple “okay” response and wanting to hear more about my first relationship with a girl, stunned me. Despite whatever may have been running through her mind, she let me speak, and while I spoke, she listened. I think it was then, that I began to come back to life. Began to realize that my life was just that – my life. 

My cousin and I didn’t spend too much time together, again, she had her life to attend to. But for the first time, I felt like I had my freedom back, I could do what I wanted, and didn’t feel like eyes were watching my every move. 

On February 16th, 2004, she took me to a beach. I remember her getting excited over finding a hammock someone had set up between two trees, she sat in it and I snapped a picture. We walked along the beach for a few, until the sun began to set. We sat ourselves in the sand and pulled out our journals. We chatted while we let ourselves express whatever we felt necessary in our journals. I didn’t write that day, instead I sketched a very simple outline of the view before me. 

I’m not sure why it was there or then, but it was there that my hope returned. Hope for life, for myself. Hope for better. 

2.16.04

2.16.04

I returned from my visit to California with a new sense of self. I still had those demons, still felt the judgement from others. But I also felt alive again, I felt strong and able. 

Now, let’s go back for a moment, don’t get me wrong, there were people in my life in 2004 who supported and loved me, people who had my back . But I was so unsure of myself and so depressed that I couldn’t see them. I only saw the hatred and judgement. So to my friends who were around in 2004, you know who you are – Thank You. Thank you with all my heart. To my family, I know we’ve had our moments of uncertainty; we’ve cried, yelled, argued, and debated, but through that, we loved. 

So, if you’re still reading this, thank YOU. As you know, we all face our own demons. And just as we’ve faced them, I’m sure many of us have also overcome them. If you’re facing something right now, know that you’re not alone and know that you have the strength to get through it.

 

It’s through God’s grace that I’m here today. 2004 was a difficult time of growing. A time of change. I can accept who I am now, and that doesn’t mean that times are all butterflies and rainbows, the difficult times are still there, but I’m okay with them. The pain reminds me that I’m alive.

I exist now in 2014 with my head held high. With a belief in God, with hope for this world, for myself, and for everyone else who may be struggling. I believe that every day we can make a difference by existing, by sharing our stories, by loving and supporting one another. 

We are all the same, this is our world, this is our time. Let’s cover it with what matters most: acceptance, kindness, support and love. 

To everyone STILL reading this, everyone who is or has been a part of my life, thank you for your kind heart, it means more than you will ever know.

Hugs & Hope, 

Kylie

 

Colossians 3:12

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

God will walk with you through ALL trials.

God is the answer. But we must believe it to see it. 

I don’t know about you, but for me, I sometimes forget that God is in control.

I find myself asking questions when I should probably be listening to Him for answers.

No matter how you look at them, hard times are hard times… that’s why we don’t call them “easy times.” But it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, like you are drowning, surrounded by a sea of negativity and downfalls. This is when we should look to God.

And I don’t mean look to God like glance up and say “hello.” But look to him in awe, cling to, drape ourselves over, hold tight to, because his hand is already reaching for us, we’re the ones who have to raise our own hand and hold him tight. He is always there. Always, always, always. His arms are already (always) around us, embracing us in complete love. 

There’s a song by Jars of Clay, “two hands” that pertains to this needing to reach for him.

Lyrics:

“I am a house that is divided

in my heart and in my mind

I use one hand to pull you closer

The other to push you away

If I had two hands doing the same thing

Lifted high, lifted high.”

The song reminds me that half the battle we find ourselves facing during hard times is within ourselves. Looking for answers that we may never receive instead of keeping our hearts and minds on God and remember that he has a plan for all things. Even the things that are terrible and hard to face.

And in those times of hardships, grief, despair, etc., we should look for and find the comfort & love that surrounds us here. Know that whatever we may be facing doesn’t have to be faced alone. That there are others around willing to comfort, care, listen, guide, etc. We are each others hope. 

We’ve all faced hard times. We’ve found ourselves on the floor asking “why?” Angry at the world. Annoyed with ourselves. Brokenhearted. Frustrated. Overcome with emotions. But we’re still here for a reason. We’re here to help one another, to love one another, to be there for each other through whatever we may face.

Hope exists and it exists in God, his love for us, and it exists within us. Don’t let the darkness overpower the light we all have within.

We must keep our hearts and minds open so we may hear what God is saying, whispering, and showing us. We must pray, always, no matter what we’re feeling. Be open to whatever his response may be.

Remember, he loves us more than we will ever know. 

our earth is beautiful, don’t be colorblind.

Today is Earth Day.

Take a moment.

Take a deep breath.

Enjoy the beautiful things around you.

Paint this world with your love, your grace, your own beautiful presence. We matter. Earth matters. We must live together.

We live here. It’s up to us to take care of this world for ourselves and for the future.

Check out these beautiful pictures of flowers from another blog! AMAZING, and is an “instant happy!” 🙂

http://greatgreths.wordpress.com/2012/04/20/of-petals-and-pollens/

Love today! God created this place for us!

 

You’ve only got three choices in life…

“You’ve only got three choices in life…  Give up, give in, or give it all you’ve got.

Did you know that in one day we will probably make over 100 choices? Really. We choose to breathe, open our eyes, to get up… brush your teeth (please do lol), eat breakfast, go to work, smile. We may decide to turn left while driving, or look at the sky to see the weather. We may choose to work out, call a friend, listen to music (choosing a song is another choice), and the list could go on and on and on…

Our life is in our own hands.

So, why do we so often make up excuses for not following through on our goals? It’s just another choice. Sure, it may alter our future, but so do many of the other choices we may daily. We just don’t think of them as being big decisions, I mean, come on now… things like brushing your teeth or your hair can greatly affect the rest of your day 😉

And you know what, it’s okay if chasing after your goals doesn’t have the great turnout you expected.

this defines "success" perfectly!

It’s okay if your story includes some, “I tried, but it didn’t work out”‘s or, “I did all I could”‘s. And other similar messages because, the underlying message is I DID IT, I TRIED! So it didn’t have your exact outcome. What matters is that you didn’t ignore it or give up, you went for it despite all the potential outcomes!

Your initial decision is what matters. Your choice to “do it” screams messages of hope and belief in yourself. Don’t get me wrong, not having things turn out the way you hoped totally stinks! But don’t let that beat you down and keep you there. Remember that your effort to make it happen is the most important part.

Having a goal and trying to reach it will probably bring more happiness (even if in the long run) than having a goal, putting it on the back-burner, and later wondering “what if…?”

your goals & dreams are important!

Daily choices are important. You are important. Your choices are important because they are YOURS, no one else’s. So set a goal and choose to reach it! Don’t let the negativity and reasons “why not” deter you from that goal. Reach, reach, REACH for it anyway! Believe you can do it!

Remember, it’s your initial choice that matters. And that choice will make your story worth telling!

pictures from weheartit.com

He has given us life. He has given us hope!

Easter = hope, life, transformation, change and victory!

1 Peter 1:3  “3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead…”

my "hope" ring 🙂

My mom used old silk ties to dye these Easter eggs, so fun!