I PUBLISHED A BOOK!

No really, it’s true! Don’t believe me? Type my name into amazon.com and find out!

So I guess now would be a good time to update you all on my life lately.

  1. I found an incredible job! 
  2. I’m twitterpated!
  3. My mom and a couple of my best friends have visited!
  4. I published a book! 

Those of you who know me and/or follow my blog know that I moved to Seattle, WA last August. Oddly enough, months have passed since I last posted here, and my last few posts included some of the adventures I went on. But this one is going to be about the bigger things, a little more personal. 

1. Let’s start with one of the biggest ones – I found a job! It was a difficult process to find a job that I felt fit right. I know not everyone has the luxury of waiting for the right job to come along, but if you can, do it!

After much searching, I began to apply for jobs here and there, just to see where that would take me. Next thing I knew, I had a call back for a job I didn’t think much about at first. But once I got talking to them and they sent me more information, I realized it was exactly where I wanted to be. After interviews and such, I was lucky enough to be given the position of a Pediatric Mental Health Assistant and Seattle Children’s Hospital!

The PMHS position is similar to my last position as a Residential Counselor, but also so very different. It is a great position filled with much room for growth. And the individuals who make up the team on the Medicine and Behavioral unit are amazing, which makes the position that much more of a blessing! Yay for jobs! 

2. Moving on, I guess I should mention one of the best blessings in my life these days – my girlfriend Emily. 

“They’re Twitterpated… it could happen to you!” 

Now let me admit that finding a relationship on this new journey was not  something I was planning on achieving this quickly… but life has a funny way of surprising you. 

So I had joined okCupid, but not necessarily for a relationship. Being new to the area meant needing to build a new network of friends and such, so I figured reaching out on social media sites could help. I met a few people, built some new friendships and such, but there was one that struck my interest more than others. 

Emily and I

Emily and I

As much as I felt an instant attraction to her, we communicated on again off again for a couple months before really taking advantage of one another’s company. We found ourselves to be on the same page in many ways; Neither of us were looking for a relationship, but were happily surprised when it found us. We were nervous to start a new relationship, but intrigued at the same time. We knew what we wanted in life for ourselves and with someone by our side. And it was through discussing these things that we established a balanced relationship. Since then, we’ve grown as individuals and a couple. 

3. In November, February and March I had my mom and a couple of my best friends visit! I was eager to introduce them to my new life and so glad they were just as interested to see it. I was lucky enough to spend about a week with all of them! Being able to make memories with those closest to me at my new “home” meant the world! Introducing them to Emily was an added bonus too! 

Mom & I

Mom & I

Pete & I

Pete & I 

Shannon & I

Shannon & I

Life just kept looking up! 

Now, in one of my last posts I voiced feeling confused about my usual expressive outlets. I still find myself not needing to paint or write as often as I used to, which has still taken some getting used to. But when I do write, I find it’s based off of emotions such as joy and love as where before, most of my writing came from darker places. 

4. That being said, my “twitterpated” state of being that was my relationship with Emily provided me with multiple writing moments. Often I found myself unable to share my excitement in anyway other than through words. After writing a couple poems based on the early stages of my relationship with her, I realized how easy it was for me to communicate my true feelings through poems. And she was quick to let me know she wanted to read them.

I began to understand that my poetry was an extension of myself, and that it was okay to share such personal feelings with others. I also learned how badly wanted to involve her in that side of my life, especially since they were about her. After sharing a couple with her, it became a way for me to let her in, a way to tell her how I was really feeling, another way of communicating.

Next thing I knew, I had over twenty poems written about our relationship. That’s when Emily casually mentioned publishing a book of poems. She laughed with herself as she said it could be “about lesbian courtship,” little did she know it got me thinking. 

I realized I’ve kept so much of my poetry writing to myself, I’ve been shy in sharing my true thoughts with others, for no real reason. As I continued to write, I thought about it more. Why wouldn’t I want to share such happiness with others? After thinking about it, I shied away from the fact that this wouldn’t just be sharing my thoughts, it would be sharing our relationship with others, and I quickly stepped back into the dark. I didn’t want to be bold and throw such private things out in the open like that. But she continued to talk about it. 

Again, I thought about it, and quickly realized it was more about her than about me or others. I wanted to spoil her with words, which I had accomplished, so why not give it to her as a book. Sure, I could have done something simple, could have put a single book together for her, but as time continued, I realized that this was also an opportunity to share words of joy, love and devotion. And why not put such language into the world? 

I think there’s something to be said about building a relationship with someone. It’s not easily done, it requires hard work and time, and Emily and I knew that. Not once have we viewed this relationship as something that will be easy. And I don’t say that to make it sound like our relationship has been difficult, it hasn’t. It’s been beautiful and natural, but we know we’re not in high school anymore, we understand what a relationship includes, we want the real thing, and I think that’s a prominent theme in my poems.

The book is short but sweet but covers the beginning of our relationship. It starts with my simple passing thoughts. Then slowly, my relationship appears. My words cover the ups and downs of a new relationship, the hopes and dreams as well as the needs and wants. I think as a new relationship buds, our definition of self, companionship and partner can change as part of a healthy growth process. 

Here’s the link to my book, it’s available in both book form and Kindle.

http://smile.amazon.com/Poetic-Mechanics-Courtship-Kylie-Lezon-ebook/dp/B00XQTR2A8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1432173259&sr=8-1&keywords=kylie+lezon

As I ventured further into this new chapter of my life, I began to feel lost. Much of my move was to reestablish myself, rediscover myself and to build a life I felt fit right. As I began to let go of the things that once grounded me, and opened myself up to the new opportunities before me, I felt satisfied with life. Finding Emily changed that pattern again. I began to feel lost and needed to redefine myself again, but it wasn’t stressful or unhealthy. My job and relationship have allowed me to really focus on myself, allowed me to see where I want to go in this life, and reminded me how important it is to have a stable support system. 

Just as before, I needed to feel lost before I could be found. And now, I feel as though I’m right where I should be! 

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That’s all! Until next time my friends!

Much love,

Kylie

I’m out of shampoo!

oh, and almost out of toothpaste!

I guess I’ll call it a monumental moment. I’ve run out of my bonus sized shampoo, why is it a big deal you ask? Well, it’s just another sign that I really live here. Kinda awesome how the little things can make us smile.

it's so beautiful! and huge!

it’s so beautiful! and huge!

Going back to the first week I was here, I’d run out of most of my travel sized items and realized I needed to go shopping. Step one of the reality that I now live here. It was great (and frustrating) trying to think of the necessary items I needed to purchase.

Anyway, it’s been about a month and a half, and trust me when I tell you that reality is very much present.

And I don’t mean the following in a bad way, but I’m bored.

Not in the sense that I don’t like it here, cause I’m in LOVE out here. But, let’s be honest, I went from a very stressful full-time job with too many hours of overtime to no job. Sure, the vacation period of catching my breath was great, but I’m ready to be busy again.

The job search is there. There have been many applications, and a couple offers, but I’m still trying to figure it out. I don’t just want a job, I want one that I’ll appreciate, one that won’t leave me completely drained at the end of the day. I’m not saying stress-free. I mean, promise me a challenge, please. But one worth investing my time and emotions into.

I picked a stressful field, one that doesn’t sit in the well-paid category. But it is in the let me try to make a difference category, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Nor sure why I’m sharing this, maybe because I have some amazing people in my life who believe in me, believe I can.

To those who know the details about my interviews, know they went well, but they weren’t the right fit. So, I’ll keep truckin’. Keep searching, applying and practicing until the right things comes along.

Believe me when I say, life is amazing, it’s worth the struggles we face.

I miss home, but I still feel so blessed to be out here. Because it’s out here I feel I can do what I long to do best, and that is to Live.

That’s all, it’s short and simple. So until next time my friends,
Take time to celebrate living in this challenging but beautiful world!

-k

love this.

love this.

Your heart beats for a reason – so listen to it!

Have you ever woken up extremely unhappy?
Felt like your life was going anywhere but in the direction you once believed it would?
Have you ever put something off until tomorrow, that you could have done today?

I have. I did.

And then, I decided enough was enough.

Here’s a personal journal entry that lead to me changing my life completely.

 

“June 6, 2014

What am I doing?

What am I holding onto?

What is keeping me back?

 

Me. Myself. And I.

 

We live in a world based on rational decisions. Realistic assumptions. Dwindled down drewms. We try to make sense of everything that cannot be explained. 

     But why?

Is life so simple, that I could point my finger at fear? Claim it won’t work. Dwell on every reason behind why not and erase the reasons saying go. Do we need to lose everything in one place in order to move onto the next.

Do we lose ourselves in the process?

How have I gone this long without reaching any of my major goals? Laziness. Lack of drive? Have I settled. That’s how I feel in my unsettled life.

My insides are screaming GO! With a force I’ve never felt before. Is it because I have nothing holding me back? Or because I have nothing I want here?

Reality’s rational life can suck it! We, daily base our choices off of what will benefit us in the long run… but what we really mean is we base our choices off of what will keep us near the American Dream of money and materialistic possessions,. But what we should really be doing is living. Point blank. 

Where’s the excitement? The thrill of new things? I’m 27 – not dead! I’m a body filled with dreams, hopes, goals… unobtainable moments. But shouldn’t I reach for them anyway? Shouldn’t I learn the hard way, from experience, that somethings may not work out? Instead of relying on that book, or blog, news report, study, famous person, or story we heard about a friend of a friend who tried and failed? Shouldn’t we fail on our own so we have more knowledge? Or at least try and succeed – Show the world all that is possible instead of making the very idea of a happy life seem impossible? 

Daily – I see, read and live a success story. I preach to everyone to reach anyway. To soar with clipped wings. To lead and not look back, all the while my feet root deeper and deeper into uncomfortable soil. Soil that only weighs me down and separates me from all I used to thrive for. 

God Kylie. Listen to yourself. YOURSELF. Not the world. Not rational thoughts. Not fear. Yourself. You. Your insides. Your heart and soul. 

Stop painting beautiful trees and landscapes and go find them! Stop dismissing your art, poetry, and stories for futuristic ideas. They are your unconscious screaming at you! Telling you that enough is enough.

 

The question is…

          What are you gonna do about it?

 

The time is here. It’s now. Do it. DO IT – before you really can’t.”

 

It was a few days later, I made up my mind to follow a dream I’d had for 8 years; to move from Boston to Seattle. 

Right now, I’m sitting on the couch in my new home in Seattle. Already, I feel at peace with myself, with all my previous choices, and with all the choices I have yet to make. I welcome this new struggle of a fresh start with open arms and a strong soul. I will post again when things settle more.

I made it!

My “I made it!” to Seattle pic!

 

But I wanted to open up, share with others, that it is never too late to follow your dreams. It’s okay to completely uproot everything you’ve known for the life you’ve always wanted. I can’t say it was easy, I left many friends and family to peruse my dreams. But the love and support from those I love most helped me make that choice (and I thank them from the bottom of my heart). Just as I hope they find their own happiness, they hope I find mine – so I did.

So go, do something for yourself today. Don’t fear it, just let it happen. If it doesn’t work out, at least you tried! 

Life is one grand adventure!

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” Jeremiah 29:11

Residential Work, Holidays and Hope.

When was the last time you said to yourself, “I am blessed.” 

When was the last time you stopped and thanked God for all you have?

Warm weather, cold weather, struggles, fatigue and laughter, that’s what this month included. It also included Easter – A Holiday based on celebrating the miracle of life, new beginnings, reflection and joy. I knew that I’d be working the Holiday and struggled with it.

But when I woke Easter morning, I got to watch the glorious sun rise above the ocean as I drove into work. It was then that I paused an thanked God for my life, my family and my job. 

sunrise

The view Easter Sunday

The day should have been my usual 8 hour shift as a House Counselor at a residential program for teens. But those of us who work in fields such as Social Work, know that what “should be” is rarely what “is.”

So, as God saw it fit… My 8 hour shift became a hectic 12 hour shift.

Now, we’ve all felt the aggravation of not leaving work on time. The strain of feeling burnt out. The frustration that comes with the unexpected. And the guilt that comes from being away from family for longer than expected (especially on a Holiday). I’m sure we could all find a few choice words for such situations. But for some reason, even as the 10th hour approached, I found myself overcome with grace.

Let me explain. Most of the youth I’ve worked with don’t have the option of going home for the Holidays. Nor do they have family or friends to spend days with. That’s when I realized, I have no idea what it’s like to be in their situation. No right to claim I know what it’s like to walk a day in their shoes. But through that heartache I came to realize – I’m the lucky one. Not because I get to go home at the end of the day or because I have a home to go to. I’m lucky because I’ve gotten to spend many Holidays with individuals from all walks of life. Individuals who have more strength and courage than I will ever know. Individuals who can teach us a thing or two about life. 

On many occasions, especially Holiday’s, while going about my day at work, a single thought crosses my mind – being someone these youth spend the day with is something I should be celebrating, not complaining about. We forget that they’re always watching; other’s are watching. Why shouldn’t we be celebrating moments like these? These youth have so much to give, we should feel blessed to get the opportunity to meet them!

We have all (in some way, shape or form) faced struggles. We all know that person who’s been hurting lately. We have all seen the news stories that break our hearts… this world is hurting. And our youth are trying to “figure it all out.” Now is the time to heal, love and support. Let other’s know they matter.

Anyone and everyone who is facing trials in life, YOU have so much potential and promise. You’re full of purpose – we all are. Too often we speak of changing this world, but so often we forget that changing this world is something we can do everyday. Every minute, we are given the opportunity to make a difference and better this world. Everyday, my job gives me the opportunity to show empathy, joy and dedication. I get to relay the message that there is more than what meets the eye.

Think about it… What message are we sending to our youth and others if we show up angry about needing to work? What hope are we giving them if we make them believe they are just a part of our job? A countdown to the second we can leave and go home? Wouldn’t these thoughts hurt you?

We all matter,” isn’t that what we tell our family & friends? Shouldn’t we let the youth of this world know that they matter too!

They deserve to know that they matter. That they’re important – their story is important. That there is more to them than their past, more than their current situation.

Their life has been hard, but that doesn’t mean they’ve reached a dead-end. We aren’t there to make their life harder! We aren’t there to “fix” things – they don’t need to be fixed, they’re not broken! They’ve just been dealt some crap cards. 

What we should do is tell them, “life is hard, but worth working at!” We shouldn’t lie to them and tell them “it’ll be fine,” we don’t know that. What we do know is that life will keep throwing stones. So, let’s remind them that they are capable of making it through whatever predicament they may be facing. Tell them that life sucks and is unfair, let them know that it’s okay to face struggles and to be angry. But bring hope through those words. Honesty and support, it’s what they need, it’s what we all need.

Let them know they can make it! We can hold our heads no higher than theirs. We are all equal. We all deserve time to sort through things and time to start over. We all deserve to know that someone believes in us.

Whether we’re family, friends, coworkers or complete strangers, we all deserve to know that there will always be someone to share the day (or Holiday) with.

We cannot let the beautiful people in this world believe they are “paperwork.” They are not another section on our resume or just another speck on the map. They are human beings. They are just as important (if not more) than you and I. They have feelings just as we do. They have hopes and dreams for themselves. So please, let’s take this opportunity to help them get through it, teach them ways they can continue to healthily survive, give them “tools” they can use in the future. Life is a battle no one should have to face alone.

All that being said, from my heart to yours – I trust you are able to face daily struggles with a sense of hope. I pray you find peace within yourself and through the presence of others. I believe you are stronger than you know. And most of all, I hope you know you are never alone.

From one stranger to another, I am so proud of you for being alive,

Kylie

IMG_0782

“From one simple life to another, I will say, ‘Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. You’re gonna do great things, I already know. God’s got his hand on you, so don’t live life in fear. Forgive and forget but don’t forget why you’re here. Take your time and pray.'” -Sidewalk Prophets

“With every broken bone, I swear I lived.”

Debating on what to write, I felt the sudden urge to write about the simple act of living. 

We’ve all had those moments when wake up feeling completely alive – ready to take on the day! But then there’s the days when we don’t know how to express ourselves, when we’re unsure of how we’re feeling. Sometimes, the weight of the world is just too much and staying in bed to avoid the world feels like the best option. I don’t know about you, but sometimes, it’s then I find myself trying to push those dark thoughts/feeling away and I force myself to accept the day for what it is – Another chance.

Often times I think we forget that every day is an opportunity, a chance, a miracle. We all have a clock ticking over our heads – and no clue how much time is actually left. So, why do so many of us live as if we’ll live forever?

The song “I Lived” by OneRepublic is just that, a reminder that we should be living each and every day (every second) to its fullest, grateful for whatever it gives us.

Listen to their song (this is a lyric video someone made to it)

Now take a moment and think about the lyrics…

“Hope when you take that jump, you don’t fear the fall”:

Take the jump, just do it. If you don’t, if you keep your feet on the ground, think about all you could miss out on. There’s a reason behind why you want to, if there wasn’t, you wouldn’t even think about it. If you fear the outcome, that’s okay… that’s normal.

“Hope when the water rises, you build a wall”:

The water will rise, it’s a part of life. So when it does, build that wall. Maybe it’ll tower high over the water, keeping you safe! Maybe it’ll be just tall enough to keep the water at bay, giving you some ease from any anxiety you may feel. Maybe it wasn’t tall enough, maybe the water spilled over anyway – Don’t worry, it’s giving you time to figure it out. Or maybe, just maybe, the water came too quickly and you barely got your wall started before it hit you. Don’t stress, we’ve all been there! We’ve faced that struggle when the water was just too fast, the wall wasn’t strong or tall enough. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that in time (sometimes a long time), a life boat will come by – sometimes it will be accompanied with family or a friend. But it’s when it comes by that we should reach out, take the help that’s offered (even if we don’t want to), because it’s then we’re reminded that we’re still here!

Give yourself a break, remember that no matter how your wall turned out, the important thing is that you tried. Maybe you stayed safe, or maybe you had to tread water for a while… either way, you did it!

“Hope when the crowd screams out, they’re screaming your name”:

Sometimes, that crowd is loud and clear, screaming support. Other times that crowd seems silent and still. No matter who you are, know you have a crowd, even if you firmly believe you don’t, you do. Someone is rooting for you, cheering you on – really. You just have to be willing to accept it and hear it, even if it’s hard. 

“Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay”:

Stand brave. This can get tricky. Sometimes, there will be people behind you. And in the moment when you can’t see them, when you feel you’re the only one standing firm while everyone else runs, wanna know where those people are? They’re directly behind you, out of sight, they’re helping you stand tall. Other times, you will be the only one standing. You will be alone. But that’s when your voice is loudest. If everyone else running, they may bump into you… but some will also see you, recognize how grounded you are, and at times, it will change their minds. Sometimes, it only takes one. 

“Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad”:

Oh gosh. Love. It can be so beautiful, but it can also be so painful. Whether it’s the love of another being, the love of a pet, or something else. Love is powerful. Love and it’s complicated-ness should be experienced by all. When you fear it – jump anyway. After all, it’s called “falling in love” for a reason right? It’s a time of learning and growth for everyone, so work at it. Find that person or thing that pushes your buttons but makes you smile at the same time… if it ends in heartache, don’t give up. It may only be the beginning for you!

“And I hope that you don’t suffer, but take the pain”:

It’s mind over matter. After all,you may not be able to control every situation and its outcome, but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it.

“I wish that I could witness, all your joy and all your pain”:

This is our opportunity to let others know we care, even from a distance. Let them know that you’re there for all of it. We are each others witness’ for all the crazy parts of life. All the joy, pain, chaos and clutter. We may face things separately but we’re all in it together. 

“And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup”:

There’s my favorite part of the entire song. People – Celebrate. Really! Stop reading this (well, not really lol), but stop busying yourself with more and think about your day, your week. What did you do today? Did you work? Exercise? Read or write? Did you work on a DIY project? Did you cook or clean? Or maybe some homework? Maybe you saved a life today, or overcame a struggle. The simple act of opening your eyes is an accomplishment to celebrate! You did it – YOU survived another day. Be proud, spread that strength. Individually, we make up this world. Don’t let people’s accomplishments (large or small) go unnoticed.

Me, You, They, We = light. We are our own ray of sunshine. We are each a color from the color wheel, painting this giant canvas called life. With every choice we make, we cover this world with beauty.

Now, the chorus:

“When the moment comes
You’ll say… [I’ll say…]

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived”:

Live. Just live. Life is cruel but honest. It continues on, constantly changing because that’s what we do. We are given endless opportunities. The real question is, did we take them? There is a reason behind every choice we make, every place we visit, every broken bone.

Sometimes, the choices we make lead to heartache, pain and confusion. But in those moments we’re able to learn. We learn how to move on and heal, who to lean on, who we can trust. Those “broken bones” can heal, they will heal, if we let them. And sometimes, to our surprise, they grow back stronger than they were before.

Oh and did you catch on to the theme radiating throughout the song? Hope. Simply that.

Never forget, our stories will live on through the lives we’ve touched.

So do it all, get off your butt! Go outside and just breathe in the possibilities! 

Go on, I DARE you…

Believe in yourself and DARE to live!

From one stranger to another, I am so proud of you for being alive,

Kylie

Ten Years Ago Today…

Ten years ago today I was sitting on a beach in San Diego, California with my cousin debating my existence. 

Ten years ago, I was struggling with my sexuality.  

I was lost and confused, trying to find some clarity; much of me believing I didn’t belong in this world. At the time, depression had boxed me in. I spent more time trying to navigate between right and wrong and how to exist without upsetting others than I did trying to let myself be me. 

Everyday was a battle against my demons: I had grown to believe that God hated me and therefore religion couldn’t possibly exist in my life. I believed my family was disappointed in me, and therefore I was unworthy of their love. And I felt my friends were unsure of me. All of which lead me to doubt myself and my choices. 

Unfortunately, despite the multitude of people in my life, I believed I was a disgrace to all of them. I knew I wanted to love, and couldn’t understand why that was so hard for people to understand. I spent most of my time apologizing for who I was, beating myself up for desiring someone of the same sex – I spent so much time doing it, I forgot how to live. 

2004, call it my personal blackout. I was so out of my mind depressed that I don’t remember much of that year. It’s painful to think about, to know that I felt that lost. 

Now, back to that sunny beach in San Diego. 

Call it fate, God remaining by my side, or just luck. Unsure of many details, I know that it had been some time since my mom and cousin had spoke, but in 2004 they did. The result of their conversation was me going to San Diego. 

Stereotypical lesbian moment, I listened to Tegan &Sara and T.A.T.U. on my CD player for the entire 6 hour flight. 

Stepping off the plane, I knew nothing of my cousins life for the last few years, and she knew nothing of mine. Two strangers, we greeted one another as if we had seen each other yesterday. (Now let me insert here, that growing up, her and I were inseparable. When I was a baby, she was the only one who could make me truly belly laugh. We had a special bond, and I felt comfort in knowing that). 

Anyway, she was busy with her life and I was confused and disoriented in mine. I spent everyday wondering the streets of San Diego and sitting on the beach. I remember eventually telling her about liking girls, I also remember waiting for her reaction to be judgement, only, it wasn’t. Instead, she looked at me and said “okay.” 

Looking back, I can only laugh at the expression that was probably on my face. I was so used to waiting for people to voice their opinion about how it’s “wrong” that her simple “okay” response and wanting to hear more about my first relationship with a girl, stunned me. Despite whatever may have been running through her mind, she let me speak, and while I spoke, she listened. I think it was then, that I began to come back to life. Began to realize that my life was just that – my life. 

My cousin and I didn’t spend too much time together, again, she had her life to attend to. But for the first time, I felt like I had my freedom back, I could do what I wanted, and didn’t feel like eyes were watching my every move. 

On February 16th, 2004, she took me to a beach. I remember her getting excited over finding a hammock someone had set up between two trees, she sat in it and I snapped a picture. We walked along the beach for a few, until the sun began to set. We sat ourselves in the sand and pulled out our journals. We chatted while we let ourselves express whatever we felt necessary in our journals. I didn’t write that day, instead I sketched a very simple outline of the view before me. 

I’m not sure why it was there or then, but it was there that my hope returned. Hope for life, for myself. Hope for better. 

2.16.04

2.16.04

I returned from my visit to California with a new sense of self. I still had those demons, still felt the judgement from others. But I also felt alive again, I felt strong and able. 

Now, let’s go back for a moment, don’t get me wrong, there were people in my life in 2004 who supported and loved me, people who had my back . But I was so unsure of myself and so depressed that I couldn’t see them. I only saw the hatred and judgement. So to my friends who were around in 2004, you know who you are – Thank You. Thank you with all my heart. To my family, I know we’ve had our moments of uncertainty; we’ve cried, yelled, argued, and debated, but through that, we loved. 

So, if you’re still reading this, thank YOU. As you know, we all face our own demons. And just as we’ve faced them, I’m sure many of us have also overcome them. If you’re facing something right now, know that you’re not alone and know that you have the strength to get through it.

 

It’s through God’s grace that I’m here today. 2004 was a difficult time of growing. A time of change. I can accept who I am now, and that doesn’t mean that times are all butterflies and rainbows, the difficult times are still there, but I’m okay with them. The pain reminds me that I’m alive.

I exist now in 2014 with my head held high. With a belief in God, with hope for this world, for myself, and for everyone else who may be struggling. I believe that every day we can make a difference by existing, by sharing our stories, by loving and supporting one another. 

We are all the same, this is our world, this is our time. Let’s cover it with what matters most: acceptance, kindness, support and love. 

To everyone STILL reading this, everyone who is or has been a part of my life, thank you for your kind heart, it means more than you will ever know.

Hugs & Hope, 

Kylie

 

Colossians 3:12

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

Building relationships in our past, present & future.

As human beings we function on a strange level, we need to be in contact with others. Sometimes we pick individuals who are “like us,” and other times we pick individuals who are the complete opposite. We develop relationships with those in the same household, neighborhood, work places, schools, through other friends… the list goes on. Then, once we have developed relationships we put them into different categories, different “bubbles.” Time will allow us to keep many relationships, but there’s no denying that life can also separate us from others.

Sometimes, I catch myself wondering why we spend so much time getting to know people and why we use so much time and energy letting them get to know us, when one day they could pack up and leave. it’s a strange concept to me, and maybe it’s because I majored in Psychology, so I read into things.

But I do, I find it strange that we spend so much time trying to build relationships; we strengthen the weak points, reflect on our strengths, talk for hours, spend time showing that we care, we hug and kiss & cuddle, we cry and show real emotion, share monumental moments together, embrace the beauties in life as well as the hardships, we triumph and falter, we sacrifice, spend money, and many other things for friends, family, loved ones, partners, etc. But for what?
Is it not true that at some point we or they will, in some way, leave? We go our separate ways. have an argument that leads to silence. distance ourselves. find things just won’t work out, face the end of our time here on Earth, moving away; the “departing” possibilities are endless. It’s sad.

And it’s hard. Hard to watch those we have built relationships with, walk away. it’s even harder letting them go. Many of us may find ourselves in the position to remain strong and firm in our stance while the other turns to leave, we must find the strength to not lunge after them while screaming, “don’t go!”

We’re then left with memories, right? These fond memories that now cloud our mind…

It’s within these memories, however, that I then come to understand the importance of it all.

I used to sit and wonder, “What’s the point?” How many times have you heard the phrase, “you realize what you had once it’s gone…” THAT’S SO DEPRESSING, so stop thinking that! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had those moments of “crap! they’re gone… I want them to come back!” but that’s when I have to remind myself that it’s not always about wanting things back, or desiring the things we no longer have. It IS about recognizing how fantastic things were while they were there, and moving on.

If we spend our time thinking about the past, what could have been, etc. We’ll miss out on all of the GREAT things in our present and our future! While thinking about our old friendships we’ll miss out on opportunities to make new ones. So instead of dwelling on the past, learn from it! Change your thinking from “I wonder what could have been,” to “Even though we’ve gone our separate ways, I’m so glad you were part of my life!”

it's okay to move on

The relationships we make are part of life. Part of ourselves, of building our character, personality. A learning experience for next time. It all comes down to learning about our strengths and weaknesses, about others, how we behave in social situations, how we react to conflict, and more. The relationships that are placed into our lives are just as important as the air we breathe! We need them to survive, even if all that’s left of some relationships are memories (good and bad), because they were still a part of our lives!

In my 25 years of life, there have been many people who have come and gone. It’s just something that happens. I find that I’m able to reflect upon my past relationships with great respect, because I have learned a lot about myself, and about who I want to surround myself with. I know that if someone didn’t make it into my future, there’s a reason for it; it was a chance happening that they came into my life, and another chance that they didn’t make it to my future. I know now that no matter what my past may hold, it’s how I move on and into my future that matters.

There will always be “what if” moments. I’m sure I’ll learn a lot more as time continues to press forward. I’ll make new friends, watch others leave, learn more about myself and others… but I’ll do it with a smile.

All this rambling comes with one important message, acknowledge the importance of those in your life now, before life get’s in the way. And if/when you or they leave, and you find that you miss them, that’s okay. Because missing them will remind you that they were real, just remember to think of the good, and not the bad.

So go out and live your life, you never know… the next stranger you run into could be your newest best friend!

KEEP GOING!

If you’re going through a tough time – KEEP GOING.

We’ve all been there. That place that feels like the end of the road. That point in life where you feel as though you just don’t have the strength to go on. Whether you’re struggling with heartache, negativity, illness, personal turmoil, plans falling through, death of a loved one, feeling unworthy, loneliness, self-esteem, facing some sort of judgement, or something else… there is someone who’s been there.

Let this be a reminder that you are NOT alone. Other people have been there, of course they have never been in your shoes, so yes, your life is different, maybe you feel it is harder… but that does not mean that you are alone! Just because someone doesn’t understand doesn’t mean they don’t care… trust me, people care!

If I’ve learned anything through my life, or through watching those in my life, it’s that if we’re facing a difficult time, the only way to get through it is to KEEP GOING! Push through that damn dark cloud and find the ray of sunshine, cause I promise you, it’s there.

Let those around you be your guiding stars. Let them lead you to the other side of that cloud. Just promise you won’t give up!

Suggestions:

– try finding something, one thing, that makes you smile. (maybe this?)

like seriously... haha

– tell someone you’re not feeling well, that life has got you down. It’s OKAY to let someone in, let them know you’re not okay. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help!

– laugh at something… laughter can do wonders, really, you should try it. (laugh at this?)

i've totally done this!

no worries, if you thought that was stupid… it was just an attempt… 🙂

– acknowledge that these struggles in life are NORMAL! it’s okay to struggle from time to time. One of my favorite quotes is, “Pain is essential, suffering is optional.”

Stay positive!

Take a moment and think back to another time you felt run down. Did you make it through that event? If you’re reading this then I think you can answer “yes” to that question 😉 and be proud of that! Think about that time, think about how exhausted you may have felt… and then think about something happy that happened after it. Why? Well, because without overcoming the obstacle that stood in your way, you never would have had that happy moment.

Life has a way of knocking us down time and time again, and it will continue to do so. But how we handle those chaotic moments is what matters. We are in charge of our own lives.

So, no matter what you’re facing, the rest of the world is right there with you, promise. And if you still feel stuck tomorrow, still feel like you’re on a dead-end road, KEEP GOING and make your own path. Live your life in such a way that requires you to tell your own story, because you pushed through the storm and found that ray of sunshine.

You never know, your story may save someone someday.

Keep going, you’ve held on this long. Find that strength that’s buried deep down, tell yourself you’re strong enough, and press on!

Art is Everywhere!

Art: (n) the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power.

Art comes in many forms. It can be found in drawing, coloring, painting, the usual art mediums. But it can also be makeup artists, photographers, fashion designers, chefs, architects, hairdressers, authors, gardeners, IT professionals, singers, farmers, directors… I could go on and on. Basically, art is so much more than just “paint on canvas.”


We are surrounded by art. It’s everywhere!

Art is anything that allows us to express ourselves. It uses our senses, reality, hopes & dreams, frustrations, truths, weaknesses. A window into our unconscious. A way to voice ourselves when words just don’t do. An opportunity to let our emotions out whether it’s expressing happiness or fear. Sometimes art requires no thought, and is based on fun.

For me, art is freedom. It’s my escape; that secret place I can run to get away from the chaos of everyday life. Usually, I have no reason behind my art. Something random will spark the “artist” side of me and I’ll dive into a new project. It’s like my unconscious lets me know I need to escape and vent, but I’m completely unaware of this fact until I’m done. It’s then that the message behind my art speaks loudest.

I am passionate about art – about looking at it and making it. My ultimate favorite is painting, something about a blank canvas or wall with the freedom to use any mix of colors is so freeing.

a painting I made for a friend

Next I’d have to say is dying hair, any color, in any way… it’s just fun!

just highlighting my sisters hair blue (so fun!)

Then there’s drawing, making everyday things into “puzzles” that make sense to me.

a drawing I did to express keeping "depression locked away"

And then baking. 🙂

a bear cake & block made for a friends baby shower

I have a variety of art in my life and I love it! I lucked out too, my family is pretty artistic as well! Mom does it all, painting, sewing, photography, stamps… you name it, she’s good at it! Dad is a mechanic and good at carpentry… any trade really.  Then there’s my sisters, they are game design majors with minors in creative writing and graphic design. And my grandparents excelled in sewing and woodworking… gosh, guess I’m blessed!

I’ve been surrounded by art my entire life, it’s always been a part of my everyday living. I can’t imagine my life without it!

Art.  It requires no reason, no purpose. It’s something we can get away with; it helps get things off our chest, even if what is produced doesn’t make sense to anyone but ourselves.

Whether we’re making art within our jobs or during our down time, whether it’s abstract or straightforward, the art we produce is a piece of ourselves. So take a moment today and express yourself, for no reason other than because you can!

Check out my deviantART: http://silent-songs25.deviantart.com/

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever. 

Love:

affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment, endearment; devotion, adoration, doting, idolization, worship; passion, ardor, desire, lust, yearning, infatuation, compassion, care, caring, regard, solicitude, concern, friendliness, friendship, kindness, charity, goodwill, sympathy, kindliness, altruism, unselfishness,  humanity,  beloved, loved one, love of one’s life, dear, dearest, dear one, darling, sweetheart, sweet, angel, honey,  lover. 

No matter how you describe it or try to explain it, love is important!

Valentine’s Day, a day based on celebrating your love for your spouse, is also a day to celebrate your love for your family and friends. It’s a day to celebrate any form of love.

love is love.

As intense as love can be, it’s important to remember that love is also fun!

It can be humorous.  

And fragile.  

And sometimes (although I feel most of the time) it doesn’t make any sense!  

(that’s when we should just laugh!)

Doesn’t matter how you view love, as long as you know that love is important.

And if you find yourself feeling like you’re celebrating today “alone” just remember there is someone, somewhere, out there who loves you! If you haven’t found your true love yet, [puh-lease!] don’t sweat it! Embrace today for what it is, a day to celebrate love; celebrate that you are capable of love!

One way you can do that is by loving yourself!

Love takes time, so don’t rush it! Take it for what it is when it comes.

But today, on this day put aside for “love,” remember that you deserve to be loved, to discover loved, to spread love. Most importantly remember to love yourself first!!!!

Sending you all hugs! Happy Valentine’s Day!